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"Look at these people, company bureaucrats, any one of you could have looked at my file and decided my fate. To labour for the company, in space docks like this, Taros, fixing bulkheads, anchoring and re-supplying ships - every key skill controlled from without by the company's chips implanted in our brains. The space monkey, once the most dangerous and well-paid jobs in space, until they went on strike one too many times, and now the domain of convicts; with no right to refuse the skill chip implants and no right to strike."
Microsoft stomped on through the flocking crowds of tourists thinking these heavy thoughts. A tall, dark, muscular, scarred man, Microsoft walked with the same cynicism with which he thought. He'd toss anyone aside that got in his way and the tourists seemed to instantly realise this. They all got out of his path as he proceeded through them. Microsoft ignored the viewports from which most of the passengers gawped at the Taros Gate, he'd see enough of it up close soon enough. The magic, for Microsoft, was in the detail, in the little hidden passages, tunneled out by his kind, where he would lurk and forage, while waiting for another ship. He was still lost in his thoughts as he headed to the Dinewell Restaurant on the upper deck to eat with the elite.
"Lousy voyage this, couldn't get any help from the shipboard monkeys at all on account of those lunatics from the Outer Planets stowing away aboard my ship. They never should have given monkeys combat chip implants - it's upset everything in the status quo. Before I could have worked my package unofficially with the shipboard monkeys, doing all the dangerous jobs they didn't want to do - it's the price of freedom, I guess. Now, because of those Outer Planets lunatics, even the shipboard monkeys, us, more or less, are against all us stowaways - they won't stop to ask me if I'm the one with the combat chips in my brain that keeps sending their shipmates and passengers to the med-deck - they'll just fetch security first chance they get. Well, I did it anyway, here I am journey's end, Taros Gate, all that remains, to dine like a swine at Dinewell and make good my escape."
"Ah, look at this! Are all these people interchangeable or what? I just passed all these drongos at the bulkheads did I not? Look at these greedy fools at the trough. Why would a hundred and ten year old woman bother to wrap herself in a stolen corpse and a dress like that? The universe has gone mad. Look at those jewels! I'm having those! It's a violation of the laws of nature that a hundred and ten year old woman is walking round with those round her neck - and here I am starving, fit, strong and about to leap through the viewport and into the upper atmosphere of this miserable planet."
'Where would sir care to sit please? Does sir have a reservation?'
'As near the viewport as possible please. I've never been to Taros before and I don't want to miss anything, thanks. Table for six - my companions will be joining me soon, once they've walked the deck. They asked me to reserve the table,' Microsoft spoke fast, like he thought.
"No you don't believe me do you, you greasy little ass-kissing man - but you're a waiter and it's not your job to tell the customers that they're stowaways, even if, quite correctly, you suspect that they are. And besides, for all you know, greasy Joe, I'm one of those crazy goons with a combat chip and I can snap your neck like a twig. So, yeah, you show me to this big table, don't ask me any awkward questions and I'll pretend to wait for my non-existent friends to arrive."
'Bring me the drinks list, please, and assorted plates, if you will waiter.'
"Yeah, that's it, my best la-di-dah company voice too. It doesn't really go with even these, stolen, garments, but how do you know I'm not some eccentric billionaire who can actually pay for all the food I'm going to deposit on your huge plates? You can't and your job doesn't give you any authority to make guesses - you're just a waiter."
"Look at them, moving like drones in their combs around the central self-service area. Look at this plastic rubbish; a pitiful attempt to capture late Twentieth Century style for the idle rich. Sure, they had genetically engineered swamp eels in the good old days too - ha! Look at all this white plastic! I bet if they saw it all those Twentieth Century folks would rattle in their cryogenic urns. The food, all fatty and greasy: hamburgers? Please, they couldn't have been stupid enough to eat this crap in the Twentieth, no, I don't believe it, mind you, this stodgy stuff does taste good after weeks of nothing but space junk robbed from vending machines."
"Ah, here comes the waiter with my plates. Nod politely, smile at the greasy little goon and, yes, right in front of his sniveling round porky face, take the biggest plate. It's so funny, I can barely carry the thing through this crowd of elite wretches. Oh, but I'll somehow manage, and I'll manage to get it back to the table too. Oh, and that huge swamp eel has my name on it, you, swampy, are coming through the viewport with Uncle Microsoft. There you'll find a new home in the maze like exterior of Tanos Gate, among the secret maintenance hatches built by the first space monkeys to work here, and extended periodically by those who have laboured or stowed away here since. I, for instance, will be building a little fridge - specially for you swampy."
"And there we go! Slap onto my plate you big mother monster of a swamp eel in batter. You massively luxurious biggest and best gourmet item, you. You glorious e-banker's retirement fund of a snack! Oh, this is funny, I can barely lift the plate. I'd best call for assistance," 'Oh, waiter!'
"That really wasn't necessary, as soon as I grabbed this dish they all became hyper-attentive. Even though these ships are huge they're still small worlds. I must have passed by or met each of these waiters several times during my voyage. Each time, chances are, I was in an area in which I did not strictly appear to belong. Without a ticket I don't belong on this ship at all, but no passenger really belongs in the bulkheads and seen appearing from nowhere among the vending machine supplies. They know, they must, but look at them scurrying over to assist. They'll always be first and foremost waiters. I'm going to burst out laughing if I'm not careful."
"It's at rare moments like this that you really see things as they truly are, I think. Look at you two sluts, debutantes in space looking to ensnare a wealthy traveler or a ships' officer, daintily munching on your chips, ketchup and peas - holding your forks the correct way. I was nothing to you before, but now, burdened down with this giant swamp eel in batter - suddenly I might, just might, be the most eligible bachelor on ship, and you've noticed me, and how you flutter your false eyelids and smile prettily. Yet, when I pretended to be a maintenance man in order to rifle through your cabin you didn't notice me at all."
"This old woman here, daintily scooping up chips and peas, not taking too much save she exceed her retirement allowance - but not being able, either, to bring herself to dine realistically with the lower class travelers. How she looks at me, wondering who I am and what I do to have this mammoth balanced precariously on my plate, giving me the approving nod - it's so superficial. I almost don't feel like eating among them."
'Let me help you with that sir.'
'Thank you very much waiter.'
"Another waiter, slightly fatter, probably embezzles more than the last from the company stores, let's face it, with people like me around he's got the perfect scapegoat - but what a dull life as a company slave. If I kicked you in the nuts you'd probably thank me, wouldn't you? He doesn't wait to be directed to my table, just raises the dish above his head and off he goes. And there's the other waiter, he's got the head waiter in tow. The head waiter looks like the bumbling detective Alphonso from the Atom Nukeduke show. Where did the writers get those names from?"
"They're on to me now and want to keep me as far away from the other customers as possible - so I can't do their insurance premiums any damage by robbing customers as I make my escape. I really want that old crone's necklace before I leave though. Easy enough to get, I'll get up and fetch a small plate of chips. But first I've got to taste this eel. Look at her eying me, you want to talk to me about wealth don't you? You miserable old crone."
"Look at the juices as I cut into this crunchy batter, it's got sage and onion stuffing within, and beneath that beautiful fatty pink meat, lovely! Rationed carefully this eel will keep me alive for months while I'm stowed away in the monkey's passages waiting for the heat to die off, getting to know the Taros monkey's well enough to bribe my way onto a ship. Ah glorious, this is lovely, it's like eating about five dishes in a single mouthful. It's too tempting to binge on this dish right now, but this temptation has to be fought, time to get some fish, chips and peas, maybe some curry rolls and fruit fritters too - I can gorge myself on them, resist this protein and fat laden eel until I'm safely hidden somewhere on Taros Gate and my head has stopped swimming from the sheer luxury of it."
"Yuck, the sniveling second waiter's returned with complimentary alcohol. They won't leave me alone now I've loaded this brute on my plate."
'Your friends have arrived sir.'
"Oh no, it's them, the guys with the combat chips from The Outer Planets. What in The Milky Way do those mad bastards want with me? Oh no, they're after my eel, they have to be. It's my eel get your own you greedy bastards! Look at them swaggering over, they aren't even getting any food of their own. Get your filthy hands off my plates."
'Oh, hello, you guys are from the outer planets, right? I meant to come find you guys earlier in the voyage, but there never seemed to be the time and our paths never seemed to cross somehow.'
"In other words, 'whenever I thought I saw you I jimmied open some hatch or other and dived in sealing it behind me as I went.' The beauty of these engineering chips is that you can always find somewhere to hide in moments flat - as long as you've got an electric screwdriver, and I always have - everything is built in kit-form these days. Even this mock Twentieth Century plastic rubbish furniture comes in kits. I could take this whole restaurant to pieces in twenty minutes, maybe less, if I wanted."
"Look at the ugly dogs! They're nodding all friendly and polite but you can tell why they're really smiling, they're thinking, 'We've got you now, we've got your eel. You're surrounded by us and you can't call the company dogs to help you because you don't have a ticket either.'"
'We've lost our engineering chips. They wiped them when they installed our combat programs, thinking wrongly, we'd allow the software to be re-exchanged once we'd served as their cannon fodder. We need you to open the viewport for us, we're checking out of here too.'
"Look at that! Not so much as a please and they both take huge chunks of my eel, manners like pigs, I could see all the food you were chewing while you just said that. Not only are you taking my precious food but you're also spoiling my enjoyment of it as you do. The waiter's coming back, I can't stand to look. I bet he'll give them free alcohol. It's my eel! Don't give them anything! Ask to see their boarding passes!"
'I'm going to get some more food from the buffet, this eel has to last me months on Taros Gate.'
"That hint was way too subtle. If they even notice it they'll just eat even more. I should have said I had a welding torch pointed at their groins, but they'd have probably killed me, the psychos!"
"What am I going to do with them? How am I going to get shot of them? Look at it now, the room's coming into real life. Now I'm at the buffet the debutantes and socialites are getting up for seconds too. Anything to hob-knob with the filthy rich they mistake me for, disgusting sycophants! I know all those men gathered by the door, I should do, most of them have nearly caught me at least twice, others more than that, especially that shit-head Sanyo, Chief Security Officer Sanyo, totally loyal company drudge, can't be bribed at all. Here he is, on my case. Saving that eel the difference between promotion or not, in other words, the stage is set for an epic struggle over dinner. How did I get caught in the middle of this?"
"Don't smile at me you hundred and ten year old hag, you may have the body of a twenty year old but it's not your own and your head belongs in a deep freeze, with all your other relatives, waiting for the rocket science of future generations to breathe more stale life into you. Look at her cautiously spooning beans onto her plate. The rich are so mean, they want to live forever. I bet she's calculated the price of every spoonful. I could easily supply her with weights to fool the electronic scales on the plates - I'd love to, just to say I know how penny-pinching she is and to offend her sense of the proper - to jimmy open her corporate brainwashed understanding. No time for those subtleties now though."
"Look at those crazy Outer Planet bastards, they're going to work on my eel with my own hand held lasers now! They didn't take long to go through my sack. It's all going to kick off, security won't turn a blind eye to that, no way! The other passengers are staring. Look at that, there's food dripping down his face! Doesn't he realise how much that eel costs? Don't they have delicacies on The Outer Planets? Calm, calm, calm, don't lose your temper Microsoft."
"Oh, well, he who dares wins, I suppose. Might as well check out the old ghoul of a woman's goods. Don't they realise anyway that while they're frozen, awaiting reanimation, their lawyers are making hay with their estates?"
'An enchanting necklace madam, where did you find it? I should like one for my fiance.'
'Why thank you, young man, from the Riglian Cluster, an old prospector out there happened to be in dock and needed parts for his ships' engines. The stones were all he had. The family were able to raise the money for such a wonderful bargain and we had them set into this piece. It's insured for ten times what we paid.'
'Oh, how simply superb.'
"La-de-dah, here we go again. That old prospector probably worked his life for those pieces and here she is bragging about her financial plundering. It's a mug's game working for The Company they'll always get you in the end."
"Let's let her know who did this. Leave her a message for when she awakes, time for some more la-di-dah."
'And for you, Madam, what was the highlight of your voyage?'
'Oh, I'd have to say it was this, Taros Gate in all its splendor, and this, this authentic fish and chip shop feast. I see you have the battered swamp eel. We all thought that would end up on the Captain's table.'
'Well, for me, madam, I would have to say that the highlight of my voyage was sucking the slime out of the mark IV vending machines. Uncrackable, my massed ass those mark IV's are uncrackable!'
"Look at the stupid look on her face! This punch is poetic justice for the ripped-off prospector... and down she goes. Let's put the boot into that stolen body for good measure. It's a shame there's no cauldron of soup or I could do you some real damage - ghoul. Yes, thank you, I'll be having that necklace from round your neck. Where's the butter? I want those rings too? Never mind the butter the electric spanner will soon get them off, screw your stolen fingers. Ouch, that's got to hurt!"
"Duck behind the buffet. There goes the alarm. I haven't got long. I don't need long. The engineering chip will take care of everything, everything except the waiters and Sanyo's people that is, and for them I have... Right on cue, they're kicking off, the guys from The Outer Planets. Smell the vapour as the bullets pierce the air. Now there'll be a stampede for the food and the exits. The brave will use the confusion to get a free feast, the cautious will flee for the door happy with what exists eaten within their belly."
"This is like watching dire wolves at play in a headless chicken run. Look at the bullets zipping round The Outer Planets guys. They don't seem to care or be aware, just standing there, expressionless, blasting the crap out of the waiters and security. Seeing this is an education."
"Got the rings, better take a quick look over the buffet and see what's going on with Sanyo's guys. Lots of wounded everywhere, panic, people feasting in the confusion, that waiter beating the scavengers with a truncheon and trying to reach me through the throng of them. Now the zero-g polo players have the waiter and are helping themselves to fritters! I'd better start crawling towards a viewport soon. Just enough time to fill my pockets full of battered sausages and pickled eggs before I complete my escape. Let's hope security manage to take out these Outer Planets guys for me."
"That slimy frikkin waiter's playing the hero, he's trying to sneak under the tables to reclaim that beautiful eel of mine! Don't let him do it!"
'Quick, look at that waiter! He's after the eel!'
"Headshot on the waiter, nice, bit of blood spilt on the eel but it could be much worse. So, they can think while using the combat chips then? I think he might have smiled at me too, right before he shot the waiter. Now it's definitely time to go."
"Grab the bag, open it, get my tools, throw my lovely eel in the bag. Crap! That was close!"
'Look shoot him, that guy over there, quick, cover me while I get the window open!'
"Ah! That second shot was so close it burnt my ear! They got him, that's okay then."
"Come on my beauty, yes! Out the viewport, now, to slam this viewport behind me to ensure I don't have to share this eel with any Outer Planets combat-chipped psychos."
"Ah, it's one of them. He's got a gun pointed at me. I guess it's too late to close the viewport - dinner must be shared then? They'll have to catch me and find me first, and hopefully they won't realise my pockets are full of jewels, chips, burgers and other delicacies if they do."
"Free in the stratosphere! Screw you, you company lackeys! I'm going to go hide in the tangled metal of Taros Gate. Catch me if you can, you Outer Planets psychos! With erased engineering chips I don't fancy your chances!"
Top of pageMicrosoft Space Wizard science fiction (scifi) short story part 2
